Oh heart!

When clouds of pain loom in the sky.
When a shadow of sadness flickers by.
When a tear finds it's way through the eye.
When fear keeps the loneliness alive.
I try and console my heart, "Why is it that you cry?"

This is only what life imparts.
These deep silences within, have been handed out to all by time.
Everyone has a little sorrow, everyone's share has a little sunshine.

No need for tears in your eyes.
Every moment can be a new life.
Why do you let them pass you by?

Oh heart! "Why is that you cry?"

Pictures. :)

My first true love, is that pretty thing in the corner. I purchased it a couple of months ago, and trust me, I love it. So as I have been so jobless lately, I went on a photography spree. I would love to share some clicks here. I hope you all like it. :)

I was absolutely in love with the weather that day. 

This beautiful view was right in front from my balcony.  It was beautiful.

I love rain. I absolutely love it.

Reflection.

Commit No Nuisance.

The Black Lady.

Some kid, I came across on the streets. 

Little things- 3

I was in my car with my mom, enjoying my chocolate bar when suddenly someone starts banging my window from outside. This little boy with torn clothes and dirt on his face but a beautiful smile was asking for a few pennies. I felt guilty having that chocolate, and so I rolled down my window and gave him my unopened bar of chocolate and said, " Go find some work. You shouldn't beg like this.", he said, " Thank you didi. ( for the chocolate ) and with a wide grin ran away. The whole process was watched by my mother when out of nowhere she started texting. I hardly paid anything attention to it and started switching the radio chanels, when suddenly I got a text from my mom,
" I am proud of you. Glad to have a daughter like you. "

I looked at her, but she didn't pay any attention to what just happened. I guess,
Sometimes feeling this much love inside you even when you don't show it on your outside brings a smile on the other's face.

Little things- 2

Ok. So I was at my bestfriend's place, and I got this call from a friend of mine, asking about the sleepover and the whole day and everything. So I told him everything. Starting with basket ball to the puchka competition and how I met this new guy and everything else. When suddenly he is like, "acha bye!" So I was like, "arre what just happened?". His reply,
"I can't stand to see you with some other guy."
I asked, why. All he said was,
"I don't know, but I just can't."

Sometimes feeling something so sweet, true and honest even when you don't know the reason behind it, get's a smile on the other's face. :)

Little things- 1

Ok. So I have this friend of mine. I keep telling him how my brother hits me sometimes out of no reason and it's just not fair. So today, that friend of mine came home. He was like, "Is your brother there at your place?", I replied "He is. Why?". He replied, " tell him to go away or else I will hit him!". I was whaaaat? WHY?
Guess what he replied?

" Because he hits you!" :')

It's things like these which matter the most and always manage to get a smile on the other's face. :)

The girl in me who talks a lot.

Well, I am hearing things a lot lately. Things like, why do you always post about love and sad things? And honestly, I am sick of them too. :P
It's the IPL season and every friend of mine has been made sure to go to Eden Gardens and tease me about it. The truth is, I have never been to Eden Gardens. Yes. Living in Kolkata for 15 years now, but not once experienced that nirvana feeling when Gambhir hits a 6, and the crowd goes KKR! : |
I just got my new obsession jellies. Yumm! Green, red, yellow, orange and even blue. I have had all kinds of jellies till now, I guess. And they are amaaaazing!
I love singing and dancing while having a bath. I remember singing "Aami je tomar, sudhu je tumaar", and trying to dance like Vidya Balan seven years ago, and ended up falling down and getting eight stiches on my chin. Darn, that did hurt! :p
I love seeing PDA on road and then making fun of it while talking to my bestfriend. That girl, makes my life miserable in a funny manner. :)
I always have puchka with meetha pani and I love how bengalis call  puChka, "puShka".
I love giving names to people. I just don't why, but I do. Stoner, Blondie, Hotstuff, Janeman, Godzilla, and what NOT! My friends literally hide their face when I call them such names in public. I am perverted. And yes, I have a boy's mind.
There are tons of things about me, which I would love to share but I don't want to make this post long so that you people get tired of it, and wonder how irritating I am. :p

Anyway. Bye- bye. May you all enjoy your summers while I bury my head in my Maths book. -___-

Addiction.

She goes to tell her balcony. It's raining.
She is holding a picture in her hand. Of them. Happy, smiling and way too much in love.
But now, things are different. There aren't hugs now, or I love you's or those out of nowhere kisses. It's just her. Alone. It's hard to believe it's over, but the truth remains the same. No glasses of whisky or boxes of cigarettes, could change the truth. He was gone. And now it was time to accept it.
A lot of tears had been shed, a lot of phone calls had been made, a lot of I miss you texts had been sent, but now it was time to accept the truth. It was love, in the beginning, which changed to want and now it was just an addiction, which she had to get rid of.
Few raindrops fall on her cheeks, and so does her tear drops. She realised it was just her wanting, maybe. She was used to him. His phone calls, his texts, and everything related to him was a weakness for her. But she wasn't going to be weak anymore. This addiction had to stop.
She looked at the photograph and tore it, although the memory will remain somewhere in her heart, but it was a start.
A start to letting go of things. A start to stop her addiction.

But.

I have this feeling inside of me. This part of me which wants to shout, scream, and protest for what I deserve. I don't deserve all this. But in the end, it did happen to me. I am tired of listening to people, telling me to give it some time and wait. I can no longer wait. I am a human after all. Being impatient at this moment of my life is acceptable. I am tired of pretending that I've moved on and I am fine. Because I am not. I am stuck. I have started questioning myself. Now that I know, all the things which weren't said to me. Now that I know, "we" never mattered to you. I have started having doubts. I have started wondering, whether I fell in love with the wrong person?!
I know, I have to be strong. I have my entire life left. But at this moment, I'm hopeless.
I have heard many stories about other people. What's going on in their life. How tough the situation is for them. How happy they are at the moment. But it's been a while. While, since I actually smiled at a happy moment of my life. You know that smile. That genuine one. Where you feel the exact joy which you are experiencing. I am not cribbing about my life. Or maybe I am.
I tried everything, to try to get him back but he just doesn't want to. So that means, it's my time to move on. But.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you? 

Live.

Nostalgia. I feel it. I dream it. I am it.
I am away. Away from everything. And I live it. Behind the door of darkness, lies a path. A path towards, Insanity. This insanity takes me into a new world. World of forgetfulness. Not a single thing on my mind.
Perfection lies within us. All we have to do is have the courage to take a step towards it. Hear the beats of your own life. The rhythm it plays, and dance with it. Take a turn, spin around, lose yourself into insanity. Drop those problems for a minute and just listen to the music and dance with it. Cowards forget how beautiful life is. They don't take the step towards that particular feeling, which takes us to paradise.
Paradise. For me a place between silence and nostalgia. People are busy thinking what they have to do tomorrow, and for that stupidity, they forget to live today.
Live through the pain. Live through every moment.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

That's how it's for me. I lived through it. My past. I'm living it. Insanity.
In the end what matters is, Memories. Moments and Us.

Lameness Personified!

I am scared of things now. Scared, someday, somewhere, I will lose everything. I have already lost most of it. I am scared, to talk to people. I don't want to hurt them in any way. I am scared they will leave me if I do so. I am scared to get out of my room. I don't want to, actually. I have made my own world in there. I buy cigarettes secretly and smoke them in my balcony. I sleep most of the time, or stare at my laptop screen. But when I do get out of my room, the only place I go to, is my terrace. I have this fixed place up there. I sit on the tank of my building. Verrrrry high. It's like paradise for me. Alone, quiet, peaceful and then that smell of the smoke of a classic regular, surrounding you. Epic. A little movement and BAM, you will surely die or atleast break some bones. I love it.
I think. A lot. Everyone says so. :\
I love imagining or thinking things. So few days back, I was just sitting there and thinking of my life and everything in it. One question kept on distracting me.
Whom do I trust the most?
I really didn't know the answer to it. My parents, obviously. But apart from them? Not a single person or name could come to my mind. People usually hurt me very easily. I don't trust anyone. Actually, not even myself. I don't know when I can get so sick of my life and kill myself. So, nobody! :\
Anyway. So today, I was sitting there and smoking and suddenly, my phone started ringing. It was mom, she was asking me to come home. After couple of minutes, I got up, and my leg slipped, and I almost fell. And the first thing I did after getting back on my feet was to laugh my ass off. I was laughing like a maniac. Mad, I am!
Anyway, I am blabbering so much. :p

This is such a lame post! Anyway, bye! I should get myself admitted to one of those mental hospitals.
So bye bye.
Do smoke. Helps you, when you are in a bad mood. ( Mamata didi yeh mat dekhia ga ^_^ )

Believe.

I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that you're not the one for me.
But the more I think, the less I believe and the more I want you here with me.   - Plain white T's.

Somewhere deep down, I haven't given up hope. I know, I am trying. I know I can be better. Believe me. Maybe you don't love me anymore. You didn't do the same earlier, just when our relationship had started. So I won't give up. I will wait. Maybe someday you will realise, maybe you won't. I don't care. All I know is, I will give it my best shot. Whatever it is. I ain't giving up. I know, I can't force you. But I can try to convince you. Which I have already done. I am going to wait. I promise.
It's hard. I agree. It's very hard. Just don't make it harder. 
Maybe I'm dramatic, or cheesay, or dumb, or stupid, but that isn't in my nature. My nature is my character. And my character is that with whom you fell in love with. Sometimes, I do say all weird and spastic things, but that is because of my girly friends. That won't be a problem. I promise.
Just think, okay? Use that god gifted brains of yours. Just think. Give it a last try. Trust your life's chances once. You don't know the outcomes, neither do I. Destiny is where all the shizz lies. So please. Pretty please.

Believe in yourself. Believe in me. Believe in us. Believe in life. Because in the end that's all that really matters.

Untitled.

So we broke up. After 8 months and 21 days. Seems like a really long time. I don't know, how am I suppose to feel. I should be happy that he won't be hurting me anymore, or sad that he isn't there anymore. I think I am sad. He was my life. He still is. I still want to call him, cry my eyes out, speak my heart out, but I just can't. I still want to tell him, how much I still love him, and how much he still means to me, but I just can't.
I want him to be happy.
Maybe people are right, at this age, love can't last forever. I just dared to dream. And I pretty much got to know the results. Life is shitty. But why does it have to hurt me, ALWAYS? I guess, I deserved it. No one seemed to like me being happy. He was the only reason, why I smiled. He was the only reason why I got up every morning. ( And no, I am not making it dramatic )
I will be fine. I think.
I miss him already. It hasn't been 4 hours to our break up and here I am, literally on the verge of dying.
I guess he will never know, how much he still means to me, how I am still ready to forgive and forget everything, and get him back. But I think he doesn't want to either.
It really hurts. Right now, I am surrounded by all the memories of us. There isn't one place in my house, where I haven't shared moments with him. It's becoming hard to breathe.
I just got a text from him, " Are you hitting on anyone? "
I mean ARE you SERIOUS? Not even 4 hours, and he thinks I will hit on someone. He was my life. He is my life. I don't know when I am going to stop crying, right now, all I want is HIM. I want those fights, those little misunderstandings, those I love yous, those hugs, those eyes looking at me, those moments, I want all of them, back. People say, I will find someone better, I DON"T want anyone better. He was just fine. He was perfect for me. But I guess, I wasn't for him.

A, I love you. I always have and I always will. 

Tired.

Somewhere among this whole crowd, I have lost myself. I have no clue, what's going on around me. Everyday seems to be tougher than the previous one. There are times when I just want someone to call me and talk to me. Tell me their problems and hear mine. There are times when I am just so frustrated, to talk to anyone. There are times when I just want to sleep and never get up. There are times when I need him to be there for me, but no he is busy. I don't know, if other people are going through worst, most of them are, but apparently this is killing me. I hate the feeling of getting up every morning and realising I have to somehow mange to pass this day. Not any more. I can't take the pain for one day more. No. I might die.
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
And all my days were spent by the telephone, that never rang
And all I needed was a call, to the corner of first and Amistad.
Seriously, I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I wish I just die at this very moment. I wish people killed me, or I died in an accident or someone pushed me from a bridge. Just something.
Because I am tired. Tired of living.

A little inside.

Maybe someday we will be fine. Maybe someday it will all go back to normal. But till then what am I suppose to do? Yes, I am crying even now while writing this post. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?
No one tells me the answer. If anyone of you can, then please. Tell me. Because I am tired thinking about it all the fucking time. I can't believe the only person whom I love this much, treats me in such a manner.
Every time I think, things are going better now, he somehow manages to destroy all of it. I never thought I will be this dependent on someone, but honestly with him, I can't help it. It's like I am in love with a devil.
I have stopped missing the old times, because they have been erased  from my mind with these new horrendous days. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot. An idiot who is still with him after all he does is hurts me , but somehow I always love him.Why?
I can date many guys. I ain't that bad in looks, then why the hell am I stuck on him. I can't stop myself. I'm trying really hard. He says, he loves. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOVE? I don't see it. No one can see it. Where is it? This answer, only he knows. Its been weeks and every day he manages to do something which tears me apart. I somehow manage to pass the day, thinking tomorrow will be fine, everything will go back to normal, but I am always proved wrong. He has made me start suspecting on myself. He says every little of mine, irritates him now days. Well, I am not the one who changed. I am still the same girl you met on the basket ball court, and the same girl to whom you said I love you. The only person who has changed in this bloody relationship is you. Yes, YOU! What is going on in that mind of yours I still don't get it. I try so hard, so hard to act normal after all the cruel things you say to me, because I am in love. I am in bloody love. What is wrong with me? Should be the actual question. How can I still love him after all this? I probably should hate him till now. But I just can't. Why is he doing such things? He says he loves me. When you love someone you don't hurt them so much. Then what it is? I think he doesn't love me any more, but I am going to ignore that thing. I can't let that get my mind, with so many horrible things. No. I should stand up and be all stud type. But honestly, in-front of him, I become this puppet, ready to do whatever he says. I am tired. More than that,

I love him. He needs to understand this. Because every single day now, I am dying a little inside.

Giving up ain't the answer.

She couldn't take it anymore. All the things around broke her heart, her mind and her soul to zillion pieces. She isolated herself. Didn't eat for days. Stopped talking to everyone. Everyone was worried, but him. The one whom she wanted to console her, whom she wanted to love her and she needed him right now. But he never came.
He was the reason for all this. Her isolation, her emptiness, and her stupidity. Yes, stupidity. It had been 3 months, and the pain and the want was always there. The pain of losing him, and the want of wanting him. How she wished he understands what she is going through and comes back. How she wished, that all of this just becomes a bad nightmare. But no, it never became a nightmare. It was reality. The cruelty of reality infact. She started drugs, always was high and she didn't eat for days. But no drugs or drinks could take her pain away. And so finally she gave up.
She jumped from the balcony of her room. The 13th floor. She took her life away, just for a guy.
Maybe the pain was a lot, but no pain is a lot compared to a mother losing her daughter. Why did this thought never occur to her? All the hard work her parents did for 17 years for her, all went to waste. How could she not see, how disappointed they will be? But nothing could be changed now. It was all done.

When a child dies, a little part of a mother's heart dies.
No matter how many girls or guys come or go in your life, your mother has always been there for you.
Since the day when she gave you to birth, to the day she cried at your wedding. In every step of your life she has taught you a lesson. Taught you how difficult life is but giving up ain't the answer.
And we repay all the work she has done for you for so many years by taking our own life. How sick!

Wounded.

So help me heal these wound, they've been open for way too long. Help me fill this soul, even though this is not your fault. That I'm open and I'm bleeding, all over you brand new rug. And I need someone to help me sew them up.
                                                               
  - Good Charlotte





Even though he has been the reason for most of her pain, she can't live a single day without him. She knows he loves her, and honestly he does. It's just he isn't that good in showing it. But right now, she needs him. Needs him to be there for her. He really doesn't know the pain of losing a mother, but right now he wants to be there for her in every manner. At the end, that's what love is. Being there for each other, in every bad and good situation.
Just after seeing her mother, the woman who gave birth to her and made her what she is today, being buried in  the cemetery where her own dad was buried, broke her. It had been 3 years after her dad died because of an accident. But her supporter, her best friend, her idol, her very mother, was always there for her. She never made her think that she had lost her father, she was the only support she had. But now, there was no one. As she was on her way home from the cemetery, her boyfriend, her only support now sat beside her, holding her hands tight as if saying that he will always be here, for her. She cried on his shoulders. She couldn't believe that the lady, the most powerful lady for her, was no more there. She felt betrayed. Her mother always told her, she won't leave her. But at the end, she did. And this was hard to believe.
But now as she sat on the back seat of her car with her man, she looked him in his eyes, and the only words which she could say was, "I love you." He smiled. And the next thing which he did, amazed her.
He took out the ring which his mother had given him on his 18th birthday and gave it to her, asking " will you marry me?"
And she couldn't say anything. An emotion of nothingness surrounded her. She didn't know whether to be sad that her mother was no more there or happy that the man whom she had been with for 4 years, was finally asking her for marriage.  At the end she smiles and says, "yes, I will."
She knew he will be there for her, always. That's what she needed right now.

Maybe that's what life is. If something terrible happens, something good is right around the corner. All we need to do is have a little patience and not give up easily on things which leave a huge hole in our heart. Because no one ever told me, life would be easy. But they said it will be worth it.

Bollywood love.

Y has known X for 3 years now. He has always been there for her, when she needed someone. He is one of the person she doesn't want to lose. He was there to hear her crib about her life, her boyfriend, her family problems, etc. He patiently listened to everything she had to say. Always. People used to think they are together or something, but they were just friends. 

He dated a lot of girls, and even she got into few relationships. They used to talk about their problems to each other. Everyone knew they liked each other except them. Sometimes she used to think about him, but she never took it seriously. His friends used to tease him but it never mattered to him.

One day, she broke up with the guy she was going around for a couple months. Her bestfriend asked the reason behind the breakup, and all she could say was that she thought she is in love with X. Her bestfriend smiled, she had known this will happen someday, eventually. She was just waiting for them to realise. She knew he loved Y just the same, but was scared to accept the fact thinking it might ruin their friendship.

She finally confessed him about her feelings and was shocked to hear his reply. They were meant to be. They knew each other more than anyone. They knew how to handle the other. They had to fall in love. And eventually the love grew more each and every day. 

Even now after 4 months when they talk on the phone at night, she still smiles at the fact, thinking, 

it was always him.

(How filmy this post is, right?! But this is exactly what happened to my bestfriend)

        

- Dear A -

(I have always wanted to give a letter like this to you) But I never gave it you because I always thought you probably will find it dumb. So I thought I will write it down.
There is nothing really special in this letter, but if you do want to, go ahead, read on.

Even after all the tough times we go through. We always manage to work things out. Just because you are the only person I trust my life with.

Dear A,
Yes, you. You are the most wonderful thing ever happened to me. I will always believe in anything you say or do. Because I know, there must be some reason behind it. I will trust even when the most greatest person of this world comes and tells me, you did a sin or something terrible. Because for me you are the only greatest person. "A", I have always wanted to tell you few things.  But I always thought all this stupid things won't matter to you. But I really can't just keep it within.

1. My days start with your phone call. You call me just when you get up and then say to me, " Gooood morning! Ab utho utho!"
      you don't know how much I adore it.
2. I will always be ready to meet you. ALWAYS.
3. I love how you hug me from behind.
4. Times when you slip the ring which you gave me from my index finger to the ring one, I am the most happiest person on earth.
5. I love that you secretly care and love your sister, a lot. Even when you try to be all stud type.
6. You are the only one I want to be with in my future. Basically I want to spend the rest of my life just with YOU.
7. I secretly dream about us married. :p
8. When you talk and tell me things(big big things which mean a lot to you) which you haven't said to anyone, I feel honoured.
9. I trust you more than I trust myself.
10. And now, one secret.
            ' When I die or something happens to me and I'm no more there, call my bestfriend, ask her about the secret box and where it is kept in my room, and look for all the letters addressed to you. Read all of them. They might be long sometimes. But please.'
Then only you will understand how important you are to me and how much I would love to be with you and only you, even if I get an opportunity to live my life once again.

P.S. I love you. I always have and I always will.
                                                                                           
                                                                                            - Yours A


I am cheesay. ;)
But honestly. This post means a lot to me. :)

I'm no superman.

No, I can't do this all on my own. No, I'm no, I'm no superman.

People have been giving me a tough time lately. Everyone around me hurts me in some way or the other. And all I can do is cry. Honestly, I am tired of explaining things to them. Tired of explaining how much it hurts when you lie to me. Why did you lie? You didn't have to. I would have understood the situation. You just had to tell me. You didn't have to hide things from me? You don't have to be this rude. Just because I love you, doesn't mean whatever you say won't hurt me. It fucking hurts.
I probably should stop talking to them. No, I can't. They are only ones whom I talk to you. I love socialising but these are the only ones whom I get along well. I am disappointed.
Mood swings are something which I hate. It's like a minute before how nice he is to me, and out of nowhere, he becomes this cold-blooded, rude, and obnoxious stranger. I ask him what's wrong? He says nothing, you won't  understand. Well hello! Have you even tried telling me? No, you jut out of nowhere got to the conclusion that I won't understand. How sick!
I don't want to be sad. Honestly. Even I don't want to write such depressing posts but there is nothing happy or good in my life. Not a thing. Atleast not now.
You probably must be thinking I'm a maniac. Maybe I am. I don't know.

All I know is I am hurt. I am disappointed and I have no one to go to, no one to talk to you, and them tell how pathetic it is to be me.

All a lie.

Her side of the story-
She met him through X, her friend. The most charming man ever. She knew they will be great together, having almost everything similar. She was happy, happy that she finally met someone her type. A couple more dates and they were together. Oh it all seemed like a dream to her. She was delighted to have someone like him in her life. He was a great person and the most important thing he made her smile. No one had been able to do for a pretty long time. But finally the wait was over.

His side of the story-
He asked X whether he knew anyone who would be easy to catch. X exactly knew whom he should take him to. The first time when he saw her, he was stunned. She was hot. And the only thing in his mind was how long it will take him to sleep with her. He lied. Lied about everything. He had no interest in photography or dance, he disliked Italian food, but for his urge to get laid soon, he said yes to almost everything she asked. His game was going well, and finally he made her fall in love with him. Oh, he was successful in his mission.

Present-
So as he enters her house to wish her for her birthday, he made sure he looked fine. Oh! He looked fine, fine enough to go work as a pimp. She opens her door and finds this big box of chocolates and some flowers on her doorstep. And suddenly out of nowhere he appears in front of her and kisses her just after saying "Happy Birthday, baby!" Oh, she was so happy. She knew it was going to be her best birthday ever. They had their dinner in her balcony and he made sure he did everything which she liked. She couldn't believe that he was her lover. He was the man, whom she was head over heels in love with. A bottle of wine and the love which he was pretending to show worked out. She was ready for it. Yes, it. He knew she was. They went to her room and made love in the most passionate way ever. Oh, it was beautiful for her, and it was enough to satisfy him. And finally she kissed him on his forehead, thanked him for the best day of her life and slept with her head on his chest.
Next morning, when she heard phone ringing, she realised it was 11:00AM. She picked up her phone but the charge went off. She realised he was not beside her. She looked everywhere in her place, but he wasn't found. She switches on her phone after putting it on charge to contact him. As the phones starts again, she receives a message from him, saying "Thanks babe, you were great. Goodbye!" She knew what that meant, but she just wished it didn't. She tried calling him several times, but he disconnected every time. She finally realised she was used. She finally realised that he was a jerk and she was stupid enough to let him do this to her. She was devastated.

More than that, she was shocked at the fact that he was gone. She finally thought she met someone who actually loved her, but she was wrong.
All off it was a lie.