A little inside.

Maybe someday we will be fine. Maybe someday it will all go back to normal. But till then what am I suppose to do? Yes, I am crying even now while writing this post. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?
No one tells me the answer. If anyone of you can, then please. Tell me. Because I am tired thinking about it all the fucking time. I can't believe the only person whom I love this much, treats me in such a manner.
Every time I think, things are going better now, he somehow manages to destroy all of it. I never thought I will be this dependent on someone, but honestly with him, I can't help it. It's like I am in love with a devil.
I have stopped missing the old times, because they have been erased  from my mind with these new horrendous days. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot. An idiot who is still with him after all he does is hurts me , but somehow I always love him.Why?
I can date many guys. I ain't that bad in looks, then why the hell am I stuck on him. I can't stop myself. I'm trying really hard. He says, he loves. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOVE? I don't see it. No one can see it. Where is it? This answer, only he knows. Its been weeks and every day he manages to do something which tears me apart. I somehow manage to pass the day, thinking tomorrow will be fine, everything will go back to normal, but I am always proved wrong. He has made me start suspecting on myself. He says every little of mine, irritates him now days. Well, I am not the one who changed. I am still the same girl you met on the basket ball court, and the same girl to whom you said I love you. The only person who has changed in this bloody relationship is you. Yes, YOU! What is going on in that mind of yours I still don't get it. I try so hard, so hard to act normal after all the cruel things you say to me, because I am in love. I am in bloody love. What is wrong with me? Should be the actual question. How can I still love him after all this? I probably should hate him till now. But I just can't. Why is he doing such things? He says he loves me. When you love someone you don't hurt them so much. Then what it is? I think he doesn't love me any more, but I am going to ignore that thing. I can't let that get my mind, with so many horrible things. No. I should stand up and be all stud type. But honestly, in-front of him, I become this puppet, ready to do whatever he says. I am tired. More than that,

I love him. He needs to understand this. Because every single day now, I am dying a little inside.

Old times.

Time: 1:45AM
This is what the clock on the table beside her bed read. He had promised he would call before 1. She should have known, he wouldn't call. He has been breaking his promises quite often these days. Things have changed. He has changed.
He is busy always. They don't talk for hours and hours anymore, like before. Meeting him is just something rare these days, whereas before they met almost every alternative day. He has time for friends, time to go online and talk to others, but not her.
Basically, he has time for everything but her.
She cries. Everyday. Every bloody day. Time is the biggest factor in a relationship apart from trust and honesty. She misses him. Misses the old him. Misses those old times. Lying on her bed, looking at the ceiling she wonders, does she even cross his mind? Does he even remember those old times? Times when he use to talk late at night on phone with her while hiding under his blanket so that he wouldn't be caught by his mom, that day when he came to her place and they lied on her bed, just talking, or that day when he talked about his family to her, does he remember any of this?
She wonders.
She remembers it all. Every little thing. Because it meant the world to her.
How did he change so much? What happened? Where did they go wrong? He still says he loves her a lot, but then why can't he show the love?
She checks the time, it's 2:15AM. She finally loses hope. Her vision becomes blurred. Tears have started making their place in her eyes. She looks up, thinking the one up there ( yes, the creator of all the pain ) is looking down on her and shouts, " Why are you doing this to me? What joy are you getting, seeing me cry like this? Tell me!." But no answer. All she can hear is her own cry. She curses everything next which comes to her mind. She curses herself for loving him so much, even after the hurt, he has been causing her. And finally she looks at her cellphone's wallpaper. Looks at him, says I love you,
and eventually falls asleep.