But.

I have this feeling inside of me. This part of me which wants to shout, scream, and protest for what I deserve. I don't deserve all this. But in the end, it did happen to me. I am tired of listening to people, telling me to give it some time and wait. I can no longer wait. I am a human after all. Being impatient at this moment of my life is acceptable. I am tired of pretending that I've moved on and I am fine. Because I am not. I am stuck. I have started questioning myself. Now that I know, all the things which weren't said to me. Now that I know, "we" never mattered to you. I have started having doubts. I have started wondering, whether I fell in love with the wrong person?!
I know, I have to be strong. I have my entire life left. But at this moment, I'm hopeless.
I have heard many stories about other people. What's going on in their life. How tough the situation is for them. How happy they are at the moment. But it's been a while. While, since I actually smiled at a happy moment of my life. You know that smile. That genuine one. Where you feel the exact joy which you are experiencing. I am not cribbing about my life. Or maybe I am.
I tried everything, to try to get him back but he just doesn't want to. So that means, it's my time to move on. But.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you? 

A little inside.

Maybe someday we will be fine. Maybe someday it will all go back to normal. But till then what am I suppose to do? Yes, I am crying even now while writing this post. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?
No one tells me the answer. If anyone of you can, then please. Tell me. Because I am tired thinking about it all the fucking time. I can't believe the only person whom I love this much, treats me in such a manner.
Every time I think, things are going better now, he somehow manages to destroy all of it. I never thought I will be this dependent on someone, but honestly with him, I can't help it. It's like I am in love with a devil.
I have stopped missing the old times, because they have been erased  from my mind with these new horrendous days. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot. An idiot who is still with him after all he does is hurts me , but somehow I always love him.Why?
I can date many guys. I ain't that bad in looks, then why the hell am I stuck on him. I can't stop myself. I'm trying really hard. He says, he loves. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOVE? I don't see it. No one can see it. Where is it? This answer, only he knows. Its been weeks and every day he manages to do something which tears me apart. I somehow manage to pass the day, thinking tomorrow will be fine, everything will go back to normal, but I am always proved wrong. He has made me start suspecting on myself. He says every little of mine, irritates him now days. Well, I am not the one who changed. I am still the same girl you met on the basket ball court, and the same girl to whom you said I love you. The only person who has changed in this bloody relationship is you. Yes, YOU! What is going on in that mind of yours I still don't get it. I try so hard, so hard to act normal after all the cruel things you say to me, because I am in love. I am in bloody love. What is wrong with me? Should be the actual question. How can I still love him after all this? I probably should hate him till now. But I just can't. Why is he doing such things? He says he loves me. When you love someone you don't hurt them so much. Then what it is? I think he doesn't love me any more, but I am going to ignore that thing. I can't let that get my mind, with so many horrible things. No. I should stand up and be all stud type. But honestly, in-front of him, I become this puppet, ready to do whatever he says. I am tired. More than that,

I love him. He needs to understand this. Because every single day now, I am dying a little inside.

Giving up ain't the answer.

She couldn't take it anymore. All the things around broke her heart, her mind and her soul to zillion pieces. She isolated herself. Didn't eat for days. Stopped talking to everyone. Everyone was worried, but him. The one whom she wanted to console her, whom she wanted to love her and she needed him right now. But he never came.
He was the reason for all this. Her isolation, her emptiness, and her stupidity. Yes, stupidity. It had been 3 months, and the pain and the want was always there. The pain of losing him, and the want of wanting him. How she wished he understands what she is going through and comes back. How she wished, that all of this just becomes a bad nightmare. But no, it never became a nightmare. It was reality. The cruelty of reality infact. She started drugs, always was high and she didn't eat for days. But no drugs or drinks could take her pain away. And so finally she gave up.
She jumped from the balcony of her room. The 13th floor. She took her life away, just for a guy.
Maybe the pain was a lot, but no pain is a lot compared to a mother losing her daughter. Why did this thought never occur to her? All the hard work her parents did for 17 years for her, all went to waste. How could she not see, how disappointed they will be? But nothing could be changed now. It was all done.

When a child dies, a little part of a mother's heart dies.
No matter how many girls or guys come or go in your life, your mother has always been there for you.
Since the day when she gave you to birth, to the day she cried at your wedding. In every step of your life she has taught you a lesson. Taught you how difficult life is but giving up ain't the answer.
And we repay all the work she has done for you for so many years by taking our own life. How sick!

I'm no superman.

No, I can't do this all on my own. No, I'm no, I'm no superman.

People have been giving me a tough time lately. Everyone around me hurts me in some way or the other. And all I can do is cry. Honestly, I am tired of explaining things to them. Tired of explaining how much it hurts when you lie to me. Why did you lie? You didn't have to. I would have understood the situation. You just had to tell me. You didn't have to hide things from me? You don't have to be this rude. Just because I love you, doesn't mean whatever you say won't hurt me. It fucking hurts.
I probably should stop talking to them. No, I can't. They are only ones whom I talk to you. I love socialising but these are the only ones whom I get along well. I am disappointed.
Mood swings are something which I hate. It's like a minute before how nice he is to me, and out of nowhere, he becomes this cold-blooded, rude, and obnoxious stranger. I ask him what's wrong? He says nothing, you won't  understand. Well hello! Have you even tried telling me? No, you jut out of nowhere got to the conclusion that I won't understand. How sick!
I don't want to be sad. Honestly. Even I don't want to write such depressing posts but there is nothing happy or good in my life. Not a thing. Atleast not now.
You probably must be thinking I'm a maniac. Maybe I am. I don't know.

All I know is I am hurt. I am disappointed and I have no one to go to, no one to talk to you, and them tell how pathetic it is to be me.

All a lie.

Her side of the story-
She met him through X, her friend. The most charming man ever. She knew they will be great together, having almost everything similar. She was happy, happy that she finally met someone her type. A couple more dates and they were together. Oh it all seemed like a dream to her. She was delighted to have someone like him in her life. He was a great person and the most important thing he made her smile. No one had been able to do for a pretty long time. But finally the wait was over.

His side of the story-
He asked X whether he knew anyone who would be easy to catch. X exactly knew whom he should take him to. The first time when he saw her, he was stunned. She was hot. And the only thing in his mind was how long it will take him to sleep with her. He lied. Lied about everything. He had no interest in photography or dance, he disliked Italian food, but for his urge to get laid soon, he said yes to almost everything she asked. His game was going well, and finally he made her fall in love with him. Oh, he was successful in his mission.

Present-
So as he enters her house to wish her for her birthday, he made sure he looked fine. Oh! He looked fine, fine enough to go work as a pimp. She opens her door and finds this big box of chocolates and some flowers on her doorstep. And suddenly out of nowhere he appears in front of her and kisses her just after saying "Happy Birthday, baby!" Oh, she was so happy. She knew it was going to be her best birthday ever. They had their dinner in her balcony and he made sure he did everything which she liked. She couldn't believe that he was her lover. He was the man, whom she was head over heels in love with. A bottle of wine and the love which he was pretending to show worked out. She was ready for it. Yes, it. He knew she was. They went to her room and made love in the most passionate way ever. Oh, it was beautiful for her, and it was enough to satisfy him. And finally she kissed him on his forehead, thanked him for the best day of her life and slept with her head on his chest.
Next morning, when she heard phone ringing, she realised it was 11:00AM. She picked up her phone but the charge went off. She realised he was not beside her. She looked everywhere in her place, but he wasn't found. She switches on her phone after putting it on charge to contact him. As the phones starts again, she receives a message from him, saying "Thanks babe, you were great. Goodbye!" She knew what that meant, but she just wished it didn't. She tried calling him several times, but he disconnected every time. She finally realised she was used. She finally realised that he was a jerk and she was stupid enough to let him do this to her. She was devastated.

More than that, she was shocked at the fact that he was gone. She finally thought she met someone who actually loved her, but she was wrong.
All off it was a lie.

Everything is over.

She looks at that little window in that particular room. Tries to see the happiness outside, but the tale of her own life is way too painful to look beyond anything expect itself.
The scenes of THE day, are still alive in her mind. His words, his actions, the ambience, everything.
Her man, her only man, whom she was planing to spend the rest of her life with, did it. Did the most obnoxious thing ever. Raped her.
She tries to take in some air, but fails. It's suffocating. Even after one month to the whole thing, she still can't think straight. What made him do it? Lust. It has to be it.
Lust made that man, do something so horrible. Made him destroy her future, her self respect, her faith on any other man, and her faith in love. Everything. All gone. Just because one man tried to satisfy his sexual aspects.
All alone, lying on the floor. She sees her cellphone flashing " Mom, calling!"
She cries. Suddenly she realises how much pain she caused that one person who has always been on her side. Just for that one man, she came to this new city, planning to start a new life with him, the devil himself. She realises how everything she had, is gone. Her family, her man, her ambitions, everything. And now it was her time to go.
Finally those pills started doing their work. She couldn't remember how much of those little white tablets she had taken. She tries inhaling again, it's becoming impossible for her.
She looks at the ceiling, thinks one last time of the day. How her clothes were ripped, how he spit on her before leaving, how tough it was for her to even walk for a few days after the whole show. But that man, was now living in the arms of some other pretty girl, and hardly remembers the day. The day when he ruined a innocent girl's life
She wanted it to end fast. She couldn't take it anymore. And thus the time comes. It's over. Everything is over. She is over.