A little inside.

Maybe someday we will be fine. Maybe someday it will all go back to normal. But till then what am I suppose to do? Yes, I am crying even now while writing this post. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?
No one tells me the answer. If anyone of you can, then please. Tell me. Because I am tired thinking about it all the fucking time. I can't believe the only person whom I love this much, treats me in such a manner.
Every time I think, things are going better now, he somehow manages to destroy all of it. I never thought I will be this dependent on someone, but honestly with him, I can't help it. It's like I am in love with a devil.
I have stopped missing the old times, because they have been erased  from my mind with these new horrendous days. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot. An idiot who is still with him after all he does is hurts me , but somehow I always love him.Why?
I can date many guys. I ain't that bad in looks, then why the hell am I stuck on him. I can't stop myself. I'm trying really hard. He says, he loves. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOVE? I don't see it. No one can see it. Where is it? This answer, only he knows. Its been weeks and every day he manages to do something which tears me apart. I somehow manage to pass the day, thinking tomorrow will be fine, everything will go back to normal, but I am always proved wrong. He has made me start suspecting on myself. He says every little of mine, irritates him now days. Well, I am not the one who changed. I am still the same girl you met on the basket ball court, and the same girl to whom you said I love you. The only person who has changed in this bloody relationship is you. Yes, YOU! What is going on in that mind of yours I still don't get it. I try so hard, so hard to act normal after all the cruel things you say to me, because I am in love. I am in bloody love. What is wrong with me? Should be the actual question. How can I still love him after all this? I probably should hate him till now. But I just can't. Why is he doing such things? He says he loves me. When you love someone you don't hurt them so much. Then what it is? I think he doesn't love me any more, but I am going to ignore that thing. I can't let that get my mind, with so many horrible things. No. I should stand up and be all stud type. But honestly, in-front of him, I become this puppet, ready to do whatever he says. I am tired. More than that,

I love him. He needs to understand this. Because every single day now, I am dying a little inside.

All a lie.

Her side of the story-
She met him through X, her friend. The most charming man ever. She knew they will be great together, having almost everything similar. She was happy, happy that she finally met someone her type. A couple more dates and they were together. Oh it all seemed like a dream to her. She was delighted to have someone like him in her life. He was a great person and the most important thing he made her smile. No one had been able to do for a pretty long time. But finally the wait was over.

His side of the story-
He asked X whether he knew anyone who would be easy to catch. X exactly knew whom he should take him to. The first time when he saw her, he was stunned. She was hot. And the only thing in his mind was how long it will take him to sleep with her. He lied. Lied about everything. He had no interest in photography or dance, he disliked Italian food, but for his urge to get laid soon, he said yes to almost everything she asked. His game was going well, and finally he made her fall in love with him. Oh, he was successful in his mission.

Present-
So as he enters her house to wish her for her birthday, he made sure he looked fine. Oh! He looked fine, fine enough to go work as a pimp. She opens her door and finds this big box of chocolates and some flowers on her doorstep. And suddenly out of nowhere he appears in front of her and kisses her just after saying "Happy Birthday, baby!" Oh, she was so happy. She knew it was going to be her best birthday ever. They had their dinner in her balcony and he made sure he did everything which she liked. She couldn't believe that he was her lover. He was the man, whom she was head over heels in love with. A bottle of wine and the love which he was pretending to show worked out. She was ready for it. Yes, it. He knew she was. They went to her room and made love in the most passionate way ever. Oh, it was beautiful for her, and it was enough to satisfy him. And finally she kissed him on his forehead, thanked him for the best day of her life and slept with her head on his chest.
Next morning, when she heard phone ringing, she realised it was 11:00AM. She picked up her phone but the charge went off. She realised he was not beside her. She looked everywhere in her place, but he wasn't found. She switches on her phone after putting it on charge to contact him. As the phones starts again, she receives a message from him, saying "Thanks babe, you were great. Goodbye!" She knew what that meant, but she just wished it didn't. She tried calling him several times, but he disconnected every time. She finally realised she was used. She finally realised that he was a jerk and she was stupid enough to let him do this to her. She was devastated.

More than that, she was shocked at the fact that he was gone. She finally thought she met someone who actually loved her, but she was wrong.
All off it was a lie.

Insecure.

Something is wrong with her. ( she thinks ). She has never been possessive about anyone. But why him?
It's irritating if his ex comes online, she does not want him to talk to her, or those girls who flirt with him, pisses her off. Possessiveness is fine but over do it and it becomes a disaster. It probably means she doesn't trust him. But she does, she seriously does. Maybe it's just jealously, but regarding what? He is dating her now. Why do they matter?
She has lost it. Completely lost it.
They are going through a tough time. A really tough one, but then they have always managed to work things out. Always. But this possessiveness has been on her mind ever since she started dating him. It's been 8 and a half months. But still there.
She is insecure, she does show it, but never talks about it. Insecurity is something irritating. She has been through the same, in her previous relationship. Her ex was insecure, just like her. But she never really did care.
Then what's the matter now?
She promises herself, she will won't behave like this anymore. She loves him and trusts him.

She logs in from her account. Checks her notifications, and sees the chat list. She sees him and his ex online. She tries to ignore the thoughts coming on her mind. She sends a "hi" to him. He does not reply. Bigger thoughts start building up in her mind- What if he is talking to her? What are they talking about? Why is he talking to her?
She tries to ignore them. He still doesn't reply. She ends up sending him a text on his number- " Please don't talk to X." She regrets it the minute the delivery report flashes her mobile screen. But he still doesn't reply.
She ends up calling him, ( I told you she has lost it ) hears his voice and gives out a 'sigh' of relief. She asks him, why wasn't he replying on chat, he says he was listening to a song on another website, so he couldn't see the message. She asks him whether he saw her message on his phone, he says "no" and starts checking. After reading it he say,'' chill dude, chill!" and disconnects. She curses herself for doing what has been done.

She again promises herself, she won't do it. She trusts him. ( She doesn't trust herself on this one)

Old times.

Time: 1:45AM
This is what the clock on the table beside her bed read. He had promised he would call before 1. She should have known, he wouldn't call. He has been breaking his promises quite often these days. Things have changed. He has changed.
He is busy always. They don't talk for hours and hours anymore, like before. Meeting him is just something rare these days, whereas before they met almost every alternative day. He has time for friends, time to go online and talk to others, but not her.
Basically, he has time for everything but her.
She cries. Everyday. Every bloody day. Time is the biggest factor in a relationship apart from trust and honesty. She misses him. Misses the old him. Misses those old times. Lying on her bed, looking at the ceiling she wonders, does she even cross his mind? Does he even remember those old times? Times when he use to talk late at night on phone with her while hiding under his blanket so that he wouldn't be caught by his mom, that day when he came to her place and they lied on her bed, just talking, or that day when he talked about his family to her, does he remember any of this?
She wonders.
She remembers it all. Every little thing. Because it meant the world to her.
How did he change so much? What happened? Where did they go wrong? He still says he loves her a lot, but then why can't he show the love?
She checks the time, it's 2:15AM. She finally loses hope. Her vision becomes blurred. Tears have started making their place in her eyes. She looks up, thinking the one up there ( yes, the creator of all the pain ) is looking down on her and shouts, " Why are you doing this to me? What joy are you getting, seeing me cry like this? Tell me!." But no answer. All she can hear is her own cry. She curses everything next which comes to her mind. She curses herself for loving him so much, even after the hurt, he has been causing her. And finally she looks at her cellphone's wallpaper. Looks at him, says I love you,
and eventually falls asleep.