Friday, 27 April 2012


I have this feeling inside of me. This part of me which wants to shout, scream, and protest for what I deserve. I don't deserve all this. But in the end, it did happen to me. I am tired of listening to people, telling me to give it some time and wait. I can no longer wait. I am a human after all. Being impatient at this moment of my life is acceptable. I am tired of pretending that I've moved on and I am fine. Because I am not. I am stuck. I have started questioning myself. Now that I know, all the things which weren't said to me. Now that I know, "we" never mattered to you. I have started having doubts. I have started wondering, whether I fell in love with the wrong person?!
I know, I have to be strong. I have my entire life left. But at this moment, I'm hopeless.
I have heard many stories about other people. What's going on in their life. How tough the situation is for them. How happy they are at the moment. But it's been a while. While, since I actually smiled at a happy moment of my life. You know that smile. That genuine one. Where you feel the exact joy which you are experiencing. I am not cribbing about my life. Or maybe I am.
I tried everything, to try to get him back but he just doesn't want to. So that means, it's my time to move on. But.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you? 

Sunday, 15 April 2012


Nostalgia. I feel it. I dream it. I am it.
I am away. Away from everything. And I live it. Behind the door of darkness, lies a path. A path towards, Insanity. This insanity takes me into a new world. World of forgetfulness. Not a single thing on my mind.
Perfection lies within us. All we have to do is have the courage to take a step towards it. Hear the beats of your own life. The rhythm it plays, and dance with it. Take a turn, spin around, lose yourself into insanity. Drop those problems for a minute and just listen to the music and dance with it. Cowards forget how beautiful life is. They don't take the step towards that particular feeling, which takes us to paradise.
Paradise. For me a place between silence and nostalgia. People are busy thinking what they have to do tomorrow, and for that stupidity, they forget to live today.
Live through the pain. Live through every moment.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

That's how it's for me. I lived through it. My past. I'm living it. Insanity.
In the end what matters is, Memories. Moments and Us.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Lameness Personified!

I am scared of things now. Scared, someday, somewhere, I will lose everything. I have already lost most of it. I am scared, to talk to people. I don't want to hurt them in any way. I am scared they will leave me if I do so. I am scared to get out of my room. I don't want to, actually. I have made my own world in there. I buy cigarettes secretly and smoke them in my balcony. I sleep most of the time, or stare at my laptop screen. But when I do get out of my room, the only place I go to, is my terrace. I have this fixed place up there. I sit on the tank of my building. Verrrrry high. It's like paradise for me. Alone, quiet, peaceful and then that smell of the smoke of a classic regular, surrounding you. Epic. A little movement and BAM, you will surely die or atleast break some bones. I love it.
I think. A lot. Everyone says so. :\
I love imagining or thinking things. So few days back, I was just sitting there and thinking of my life and everything in it. One question kept on distracting me.
Whom do I trust the most?
I really didn't know the answer to it. My parents, obviously. But apart from them? Not a single person or name could come to my mind. People usually hurt me very easily. I don't trust anyone. Actually, not even myself. I don't know when I can get so sick of my life and kill myself. So, nobody! :\
Anyway. So today, I was sitting there and smoking and suddenly, my phone started ringing. It was mom, she was asking me to come home. After couple of minutes, I got up, and my leg slipped, and I almost fell. And the first thing I did after getting back on my feet was to laugh my ass off. I was laughing like a maniac. Mad, I am!
Anyway, I am blabbering so much. :p

This is such a lame post! Anyway, bye! I should get myself admitted to one of those mental hospitals.
So bye bye.
Do smoke. Helps you, when you are in a bad mood. ( Mamata didi yeh mat dekhia ga ^_^ )

Sunday, 8 April 2012


I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that you're not the one for me.
But the more I think, the less I believe and the more I want you here with me.   - Plain white T's.

Somewhere deep down, I haven't given up hope. I know, I am trying. I know I can be better. Believe me. Maybe you don't love me anymore. You didn't do the same earlier, just when our relationship had started. So I won't give up. I will wait. Maybe someday you will realise, maybe you won't. I don't care. All I know is, I will give it my best shot. Whatever it is. I ain't giving up. I know, I can't force you. But I can try to convince you. Which I have already done. I am going to wait. I promise.
It's hard. I agree. It's very hard. Just don't make it harder. 
Maybe I'm dramatic, or cheesay, or dumb, or stupid, but that isn't in my nature. My nature is my character. And my character is that with whom you fell in love with. Sometimes, I do say all weird and spastic things, but that is because of my girly friends. That won't be a problem. I promise.
Just think, okay? Use that god gifted brains of yours. Just think. Give it a last try. Trust your life's chances once. You don't know the outcomes, neither do I. Destiny is where all the shizz lies. So please. Pretty please.

Believe in yourself. Believe in me. Believe in us. Believe in life. Because in the end that's all that really matters.

Friday, 6 April 2012


So we broke up. After 8 months and 21 days. Seems like a really long time. I don't know, how am I suppose to feel. I should be happy that he won't be hurting me anymore, or sad that he isn't there anymore. I think I am sad. He was my life. He still is. I still want to call him, cry my eyes out, speak my heart out, but I just can't. I still want to tell him, how much I still love him, and how much he still means to me, but I just can't.
I want him to be happy.
Maybe people are right, at this age, love can't last forever. I just dared to dream. And I pretty much got to know the results. Life is shitty. But why does it have to hurt me, ALWAYS? I guess, I deserved it. No one seemed to like me being happy. He was the only reason, why I smiled. He was the only reason why I got up every morning. ( And no, I am not making it dramatic )
I will be fine. I think.
I miss him already. It hasn't been 4 hours to our break up and here I am, literally on the verge of dying.
I guess he will never know, how much he still means to me, how I am still ready to forgive and forget everything, and get him back. But I think he doesn't want to either.
It really hurts. Right now, I am surrounded by all the memories of us. There isn't one place in my house, where I haven't shared moments with him. It's becoming hard to breathe.
I just got a text from him, " Are you hitting on anyone? "
I mean ARE you SERIOUS? Not even 4 hours, and he thinks I will hit on someone. He was my life. He is my life. I don't know when I am going to stop crying, right now, all I want is HIM. I want those fights, those little misunderstandings, those I love yous, those hugs, those eyes looking at me, those moments, I want all of them, back. People say, I will find someone better, I DON"T want anyone better. He was just fine. He was perfect for me. But I guess, I wasn't for him.

A, I love you. I always have and I always will. 


Somewhere among this whole crowd, I have lost myself. I have no clue, what's going on around me. Everyday seems to be tougher than the previous one. There are times when I just want someone to call me and talk to me. Tell me their problems and hear mine. There are times when I am just so frustrated, to talk to anyone. There are times when I just want to sleep and never get up. There are times when I need him to be there for me, but no he is busy. I don't know, if other people are going through worst, most of them are, but apparently this is killing me. I hate the feeling of getting up every morning and realising I have to somehow mange to pass this day. Not any more. I can't take the pain for one day more. No. I might die.
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
And all my days were spent by the telephone, that never rang
And all I needed was a call, to the corner of first and Amistad.
Seriously, I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I wish I just die at this very moment. I wish people killed me, or I died in an accident or someone pushed me from a bridge. Just something.
Because I am tired. Tired of living.

Monday, 2 April 2012

A little inside.

Maybe someday we will be fine. Maybe someday it will all go back to normal. But till then what am I suppose to do? Yes, I am crying even now while writing this post. WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?
No one tells me the answer. If anyone of you can, then please. Tell me. Because I am tired thinking about it all the fucking time. I can't believe the only person whom I love this much, treats me in such a manner.
Every time I think, things are going better now, he somehow manages to destroy all of it. I never thought I will be this dependent on someone, but honestly with him, I can't help it. It's like I am in love with a devil.
I have stopped missing the old times, because they have been erased  from my mind with these new horrendous days. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot. An idiot who is still with him after all he does is hurts me , but somehow I always love him.Why?
I can date many guys. I ain't that bad in looks, then why the hell am I stuck on him. I can't stop myself. I'm trying really hard. He says, he loves. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOVE? I don't see it. No one can see it. Where is it? This answer, only he knows. Its been weeks and every day he manages to do something which tears me apart. I somehow manage to pass the day, thinking tomorrow will be fine, everything will go back to normal, but I am always proved wrong. He has made me start suspecting on myself. He says every little of mine, irritates him now days. Well, I am not the one who changed. I am still the same girl you met on the basket ball court, and the same girl to whom you said I love you. The only person who has changed in this bloody relationship is you. Yes, YOU! What is going on in that mind of yours I still don't get it. I try so hard, so hard to act normal after all the cruel things you say to me, because I am in love. I am in bloody love. What is wrong with me? Should be the actual question. How can I still love him after all this? I probably should hate him till now. But I just can't. Why is he doing such things? He says he loves me. When you love someone you don't hurt them so much. Then what it is? I think he doesn't love me any more, but I am going to ignore that thing. I can't let that get my mind, with so many horrible things. No. I should stand up and be all stud type. But honestly, in-front of him, I become this puppet, ready to do whatever he says. I am tired. More than that,

I love him. He needs to understand this. Because every single day now, I am dying a little inside.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Giving up ain't the answer.

She couldn't take it anymore. All the things around broke her heart, her mind and her soul to zillion pieces. She isolated herself. Didn't eat for days. Stopped talking to everyone. Everyone was worried, but him. The one whom she wanted to console her, whom she wanted to love her and she needed him right now. But he never came.
He was the reason for all this. Her isolation, her emptiness, and her stupidity. Yes, stupidity. It had been 3 months, and the pain and the want was always there. The pain of losing him, and the want of wanting him. How she wished he understands what she is going through and comes back. How she wished, that all of this just becomes a bad nightmare. But no, it never became a nightmare. It was reality. The cruelty of reality infact. She started drugs, always was high and she didn't eat for days. But no drugs or drinks could take her pain away. And so finally she gave up.
She jumped from the balcony of her room. The 13th floor. She took her life away, just for a guy.
Maybe the pain was a lot, but no pain is a lot compared to a mother losing her daughter. Why did this thought never occur to her? All the hard work her parents did for 17 years for her, all went to waste. How could she not see, how disappointed they will be? But nothing could be changed now. It was all done.

When a child dies, a little part of a mother's heart dies.
No matter how many girls or guys come or go in your life, your mother has always been there for you.
Since the day when she gave you to birth, to the day she cried at your wedding. In every step of your life she has taught you a lesson. Taught you how difficult life is but giving up ain't the answer.
And we repay all the work she has done for you for so many years by taking our own life. How sick!